DOES THE WRITING SOUND OKAY? (SHORT) TEN POINTS!?

I think you're trying too hard. You're adding in too many poetic adjectives, making the wording sound too impressive (no offense, but you can't really pull it off-- neither can I) and while I realize you're trying to put an exact picture in the reader's mind, it just looks sort of....... blah. (I used to have this problem, and I still have this problem half of the time. ;)) Also, the excessive descriptions aren't creating a specific picture, rather a swirl and jumble of a mess. It makes it harder to understand. My advise would be just to write-- don't think too hard about it, don't try too hard. Then, see where you are. :)